So the day Mr. P and I decided that there was room for reconciliation, I told him I had already begun to change for the better and that I had started that change that very day.
The first thing I decided to do was to stop drinking.
My initial intention was to stop altogether. It's no secret that literally no one in my family has ever handled booze well, which really means that my chances of doing so are like....well, almost none.
But no one else in my family has ever had what I have: a functional, well-placed and purposeful life.
You see, I chose to be where I am. I made an effort, a plan and a conscious decision to be where I am, unlike any other member of my immediate family. This matters a great deal because most alcoholics don't have lives that allow them to make these kinds of plans, and if you can't plan a life, it's pretty hard to change one.
I don't remember how, but I stumbled upon NIAAA website about problem drinking. I have no idea what to do about my drinking. It seems so extreme to just say I can't drink at all. If that's what I really need to do then I will...but is it? I don't know if I'm a functional alcoholic or if I'm a problem drinker. I've been avoiding asking myself what life situations are related to my drinking and have been reaching for the simple solutions.
Something to ask the shrink about on Friday.
But while I was reading, I found out that there are tips out there to help problem drinkers not be problem drinkers. Some of these I already do: I don't ever keep more than a bit of alcohol at home, because I know I will drink it. By a bit, I mean like one 300 mL thing of whiskey or one bottle of wine. Not both. I keep track of my drinks now, too, mostly because I'm trying to shed some winter weight (down 5 lbs...yay me!).
What I've found I cannot do is drink in situations where I know I will run into conflict situations and in situations where I'm going to be anxious. These are called triggers.
In thinking about the last few times I've exercised bad judgment while drinking:
1. Out with Emily & Peter, whom I found attractive, after Mr. P had been gone and I'd had some doubts about our relationship. The potential for me to make the wrong decision was greatly influenced by alcohol, and I knew it after the second drink.
2. At the club for Sam's party, where my ankle was still healing and well...people were going to be here. Night clubs make me really nervous, because I'm a self-conscious dancer and socially quite phobic, especially around strangers and Mr. P's friends. I usually repress this phobia, driving it inward, where my body cries out for something to help me not be so anxious all the time.
3. When my sister was arrested for domestic violence against my mother (while drunk...oh irony, you slut), this triggered enormous guilt and shame about my family. Because Mr. P is always so proper, I think of him as coming from a very well-put together family (even though his father was an alcoholic, too), and I was too embarassed to talk to him openly about my family. Mr. P also doesn't like that I'm a rough and tumble Cleveland girl. He doesn't like that I curse a lot. I love that I'm rough and tumble and that I curse a lot. And since I'm passively involved with him as a partner, I actively shame myself for being who I am. All of this was wrapped into why I drank when I heard about my sister.
4. Kissing the Latin boy while drunk after Mr. P dropped the open relationship bomb.
I think you are starting to get the picture. I think I am, too.
When I say I cannot drink in those situations...I really do mean it. I can't, because if I have one, the urge to have another will be there, and my willpower erodes with each drink. I'm not saying I couldn't experiment to see if I can look for ways to stop that but why run the risk, given how terrible to consequences might be?
In rereading how I've been writing about these experiences, especially the Latin boy, it occurs to me that Mr. P and I never talk about the root anxiety that drives my drinking. I wonder if we did that more, if I would ever need to drink with abandon, to drink away my problems. I always feel grateful that Mr. P forgives me when I screw up...but is that all I want out of a relationship...forgiveness?
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