As I lay in his arms last night, I explained it the best way I could: we are older, our buckets are heavier, and we have to grow into each other. And it will not always be easy but it will be fantastic.
It was 4am when I said this. We slept all of two hours last night, because "that's just me". I went for a drunked brunch with S and Lena to see S go off to the London School of Economics for a year. I had too much to drink, and went through Mr. P's phone, which I'd been lent in order to buzz me into the building when I returned. I poured through text messages and emails, discovering he had been flirting with women here and there via email.
We ended up on Adams Morgan, sipping raki and being flirted with by a 22-year old, completely tattoed Latin guy. What can I say? "That's just me", and I neded up at another seedy bar, very drunk, and I let him kiss me.
And I hated it. I hated the way it made me feel.
Half an hour later, Lena took me back to Mr P's place. Mr. P was worried sick: my 90-minute brunch had become a 6-hour, drunken escapade. I had his phone, he'd tried to call me from Skype twice. He even emailed me.
I fell into his arms, and cried, and cried and cried, and I told him to go back to MLH, the kiss with the tattoed boy, and that I was insanely insecure over the entire conversation. For over an hour I sobbed in a way I hadn't since my father died.Then I passed out until midnight and when I awoke, he was still sitting with me.
We started to talk. I apologized, he said he was disappointed in me but that he wasn't mad.
I told him I hadn't gone through his phone but that I wanted to. Then he handed it to me. "Go ahead," he said. I asked him about the women in these emails. And he said, he's just a flirt, that's who he is. He asked who I was jealous of and I told him. He told me about his indiscretions while he was with MLH, and suddenly I felt better. Talking about it helped. Could he limit these things to one-offs the way he had when he was with MLH? Was he willing to do that for me? We talked all night and into the dawn. Then we made love and fell asleep in each other's arms. The last thought I had was that I'd never imagined he would love me this way, and I knew deep down that there was so much more to his love than I could see.
This morning he held me close, my head throbbing.
"Take better care of my Jennifer, will you?" he asked me. He looked so worried as he kissed me goodbye. I tried to ease his mind, that talking really had helped me and that I wouldn't take things out on myself again. I was promising him just as much as I was promising myself.
He left the keys with me. He'll call me soon and I will ask if I can stay with him tonight because I can't imagine going home and not seeing him, not tonight.
Just when I think I couldn't possibly love him more, I do.
I just want you closer,
Is that alright?
Baby let's get closer tonight
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