Becoming More Assertive

The tough question: is it a good idea to develop resilience outside of my relationship?
Do I think it's valuable to change at all?

Perhaps I should start outside of it. There is a feeling like I want to rush and hurry and get it done so that I can see if Mr. P and I can work things out. I recognize that this is not how to go about massive personal change.

Now the panic is really setting in. I'm writing this because he is gone. We are not together. The utter sense of abandonment is pressing down on my chest. It's crushing. Absolutely crushing.

How can I even begin to set about changing if I can't even relax long enough to hold a thought in my head? Am I rushing into this, thinking if I hurry up and change, I can salvage this?

Of course I am. I always do.

And I don't even know yet if I really want to salvage anything. Right now, I'm in Mr. P withdrawal, and I can't possible be expected to make a decision until I have properly grieved over the end of the relationship, accepted it, and forgiven myself. Can I?

I do not have to be that person. I do not have to let my decision making process be hijacked by a heartbroken 25-year old version of me. I do not have to slip back into those patterns.

Just saying all that felt so good.

I can make small changes today. I can start by telling Mr. P that either we are together, or we are not. I need clarity on what things are. I need there to not be so much dissonance over what we do and who we are. I am perfectly allowed to have this need and I am perfectly justified in dismissing him if he does not see it as legitimate.

Change starts today, motherfuckers. Today. The grieving will be done by the best me possible, I will not wallow, I will not bandaid my wounds. I will examine them, I will feel them out, and I will seek good fucking company.