Good Words

I was called authentic twice today, by two people who both know me well and have seen me operate in my relationships. Neither of them are lovers, rather, they are close to me in platonic ways: my good friend S, and my baby bro, to whom I'm grown quite close.

I barely understand what the word means, so...I googled it. It's what I do. I'm a google monkey.

I came across this.

Fascinating shit.

And exactly what I need.

I have lacked authenticity with Mr. P. Every time I didn't assert my own needs and wants, I was exercising a form of self-betrayal.  Of course this is not news...I came up with this last week. But it always helps to seek out good words. Good words are the balm to every burn. Not fake words or false words, not smoke being blown up someone's ass...but good words. Words that ring true for people, words people can whisper like a mantra when they need them the most. Good. Words.

"And a commitment to personal evolution honors authenticity. When we devote ourselves to such a path, we actually cast off the burden of fear and anxiety about what others may think of us and begin to honor our own authenticity. An authentic person may be sensitive to what others think yet choose not to subordinate themselves to the opinions or judgments of others. This is a key source of genuine self-esteem. You might begin to think of the departure from being genuine as a self-betrayal. And self-betrayal is a terribly destructive action, after all. It has many faces. Being a people-pleaser or avoiding confrontation betrays your own authenticity, as you submerge yourself in deference to others. Conversely, being controlling or acting out in anger distances you from being genuine. In these circumstances, you may be more comfortable wearing the mask of anger than revealing your vulnerability." 

It’s the exceptional individual who seeks authenticity.

It would be terribly unauthentic of me to be with Mr. P. I wrote him a long goodbye letter, I wrote the kind we didn't properly have. I'm always more authentic when I write anyway and this way I won't lose my nerve...my balls...my authenticity...when I tell him there is no hope for us. I want what I want. I need what I need. We always knew that it would happen one day that this would matter. And it does. It did. It will. He doesn't want the same things....a partner, a roommate, a best friend, a person with whom plans can be made and shared, a vulnerable & scared by beautiful copilot.  I deserve all of those...maybe even more! Someone who wants to do things to ease the anxiety that was created by me because of my parents or my job. Someone who will be with me as I changed and grow, not leave me because of it, someone who will forgive and forgive and forgive the same way I will. This is being authentic. This is being real. It's not about being assertive....no amount of assertiveness would've replaced by inability to be authentic. He would still want what he wants and I would still want what I want and I would've still let him control all the aspects of our relationship. 

I wrote him a long goodbye letter...and then I tore that shit up, because how stupid is it that we broke up over this? I owe him many more authentic conversations. It's the very least I can do--to talk to him as me.
Really me.

UPDATE
I realize now the reason I wrote that goodbye letter is because I'm terrified of the risk. But I will not allow myself to be afraid anymore. No. More. Fear.