Worse

Today, I'm not myself
And you, you're someone else
All these rules don't fit
And all that starts can quit


Having seen him, it's even worse that I can't see him until Sunday.

I don't know how I will function for three days without him, knowing he is in town, knowing he is leaving again. Knowing this hurts me in places I never knew were even there.

Those days used to be precious to us and he's so angry now that he would rather avoid me than see me.

And I know why. I just replayed what must've gone through his head last night. And the guilt and pain I thought I understood is even worse. The truth is, I'm too selfish to be in a relationship. I'm inconsiderate. He is right about me. How did I get this way? Why am I like this?

He came to get his apartment keys. Those keys....have given us more problems than they are worth.
He wouldn't hug me. He was so incredibly cold. He really wasn't my Mr. P at all.

I'm such a child.

All I can think about is texting him. I don't even want to talk. I just want to be near him. That's all I've ever wanted.

It's even more clear to me now that we can't continue on like this. As long as I don't get what I want, I will find childish and asshole-ways to act out against him, just like I did before and just like last night. I could try to change. In fact, the fact that I know this about myself probably means I have at least a shot at being a better person. I can change even if him and I are apart. I don't need him to be a better person. And maybe it's unfair of me to make him stay with me when I know I'm deficient in these ways.

He doesn't love me enough to give me what I want and I don't love him enough to not be a complete asshole for not getting it.