React positively to difficult situations. Stay optimistic in times of trouble, rather than grumbling or pouting. Mature individuals face life by rejecting negativity. Speak and react in constructive ways to increase your mental maturity.
These are two important pieces of advice that I want to focus on today.
(Oh, I forgot to tell you, we are not worrying about Mr. P and me today. It's my day off)
The I have been up since 4am, when I awoke with a start to a feeling that Mr. P had moved on with someone else. My brain has been incessantly retarded lately about this, feeding me insecurity like I'm a starving African child. She's a total bitch. Eventually, I got him on the phone. He was fine. In between meetings.
But then we got into things and he reiterated that he no longer trusts me, that something has changed, and that we are not together and may never be together. Those are all the bad things. The good news is, we are still talking, are there are at least the appearances of hope. But I'm still very much behaving like a girlfriend. And more or less, he is behaving like a boyfriend in that I still get the I love yous, the I miss yous, the photos of him catching my kisses. Etc. Very mixed messages. Very not together-but-still-together. It's really no wonder I'm behaving like a child. People were not meant to handle well every situation that they encounter. Maybe my fab cousin was right. Maybe the situation is just fucked up. Maybe I'm being a brat because this relationships sucks and isn't working for me.
I am terrified of investing in something I will not get what I want out of.
So we need to stop that. For one, being scared fucking sucks. For two, I should not be doing things just so I can get my way (by the way, he thinks us getting back together is me "getting my way", too, and it probably is). Me behaving just to get my way is about as childish as I can get. I need to find the appropriate motivation for growing the fuck up. Or else it won't happen.
So I asked my professor if I had always been this childish. He would know. We've been fucking on and off for ten years. And he said I was often.
"I put up with it because I wanted to. It's shit people do when they really like someone."
Mr. P really likes me. He loves me. I need to give him time. I need to persevere under difficult circumstances. The problem is, I need that circumstance to be me, and not us. I thought of my professor as a circumstance, the say way I see Mr. P and I. And where did it get me? Nowhere. But we are not the same people or the same couple.
It would certainly help us if I could focus on me for a while and not constantly be after him to smooth my aching feelings. I can't keep leaning on him. I'll push him over.
Instead, I will react positively. I will forgive myself more easily so that I don't resent my own behavior. That way, I can believe that I can change. I'm not a pile of old behaviors. I can change from this moment. It's sustaining that change with constant positivity that is difficult. But it's possible and I can do it for myself. I acted positively for most of our relationship. I found it easy to see the good in all the things we went through. I was the positive one throughout, so I know I can do it. It's just easier to do it with someone. Or maybe I was doing it for someone. And maybe that's the problem. That makes sense after all, considering how hard I find it to do when alone.
Or it could just be that I've been up since 4am.
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