I never would've gone out on Tuesday if I hadn't let Mr. P dictate our fidelity. I do not know how to be in an open relationship, I just jumped into the deep end, and I fucking drowned. I drowned in my inability to set boundaries and to keep my promises. All the other times I was with more than one man at once, someone always got hurt. That is my parameter for "open"--cheating. Cheating is my parameter for open. Mr. P and I never talked about the details, the hows, the whens, the ifs. We never made this decision together, it was just a free for all and it only applied to him. He wanted to think that he was making this choice to "give me my freedom" and "be understanding" but his was always more concerned with where he could put his piece parts than what I could do with mine.
This is why I couldn't admit to Mr. P where I was on Tuesday night. I couldn't tell him I was being courted by a powerful Washingtonian. I couldn't tell him that I miserably failed at my first attempt to be in an open relationship and that it has sent me running and screaming for monogamy hills. This doesn't mean I will always fail. I know that.
Why couldn't I tell him that I failed? I'm afraid I will lose him even more because I failed. I'm not taking responsibility because I failed and I don't want him to see me as a failure. People don't take responsibility because they are insecure.
I'm insecure: If I'm a failure, then he cannot get what he wants from me, which is an open relationship, and he will leave me.
I'm insecure: If I'm a failure, then he cannot get what he wants from me, which is an open relationship, and he will leave me.
I failed because it wasn't my decision so I was utterly unprepared for it.
And writing it all out so clearly makes it feel even worse because I feel like a failure and I feel stupid.
The question now is, do I tell him?
He has already said that he considered it a lie that I didn't mention that I had decided to try the open relationship while he was gone this trip. He considered it a breach of trust even though he'd said "If you meet a nice boy, go for it" because I'd responded by saying "Is it okay if I don't?" He took that to mean that I wouldn't. And considered it a lie because I went against "myself". But I made the decision alone to try it, and what he really hates is that I made a decision without him.
What does one do when they realize they've been in a hopeless relationship for over a year, and never saw it?
He has already said that he considered it a lie that I didn't mention that I had decided to try the open relationship while he was gone this trip. He considered it a breach of trust even though he'd said "If you meet a nice boy, go for it" because I'd responded by saying "Is it okay if I don't?" He took that to mean that I wouldn't. And considered it a lie because I went against "myself". But I made the decision alone to try it, and what he really hates is that I made a decision without him.
What does one do when they realize they've been in a hopeless relationship for over a year, and never saw it?
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