Suffice it to say, this morning I noticed that Mr. P was being particularly quiet. I hate that. So I asked him why. He said he was thinking about us, why we were together, if it's still the right thing to do.
One of the biggest problems I have in our relationship is that I'm afraid he is going to up and decide one day that this just isn't working for him and I will not only have no idea why but I will feel the exact opposite. That, I have no idea if my commitment to him is just masked codependence of an alcoholic's daughter or if I really do love him--worse, I keep thinking if he does leave, that will prove I'm just a fucking basket case.
Hearing that he was thinking about us really scared me, as it usually does, even though he is free to and probably should think about us more when we are not having "issues". So, I became scared, then because I've spent all weekend scared and anxious and my body simply won't put up with it anymore, I became angry at him. I proceeded to walk to work in a complete huff, angrily breaking up with him in my head over and over and over.
Then I stumbled upon this, and it struck a chord in me. 2014 will be the year I listen to my chords more often.
Whenever I think I’m mad at a person, I’m really just mad at a situation. I’m mad because suddenly life requires something new of me, and it’s easy to implicate a person who contributed to that situation. I want the situation to be responsible for fixing itself, so I attribute it to someone else’s moral failing, and then I don’t have to feel responsible for this new problem of mine.
Mr. P is simply a human who wants to understand our situation. Our situation requires that I give him the space to do that, and that I give him the space to decide if he does want to be in relationship or not. I have no right to be angry with that. Not a single bit.
This thought of course does little to alleviate my anger, the pressure it's placing on my shoulders, the indigestion it's causing me. The furroughing of the brow I'm experiencing. But recognizing that the anger hasn't gone away even though I know much better is only more proof that I am not my emotions. This emotion lives as a physical state in my body with me but it is not me.
In other words, I am not angry. My body is. My body is because my brain was, and sometimes that happens anyway, for the same reason we cry for no reason at all sometimes. Sometimes there is just a delay between our thoughts and the physical response that follows, and I can allow for some time to let my body adjust to me being not angry. I'm not a machine, after all.
I'm not my thoughts and I'm not my physical reaction to those thoughts.
Thinking this through, writing it out, has reminded me that it's vitally important for my happiness that I stay connected to my compassionate nature. The good that is deep inside of us, sort of like the earth's core, is the thing that really makes us feel at peace. Truthfully we are always at peace, because that core is peace, but we are distracted constantly. Our minds and bodies distract us. The earth's core is very, very deep, but it's eminently significant. It controls our climate, the direction of the earth's rotation, our very survival. Much like the earth's core, our inner peace, the compassionate nature, is vitally important.
Words can be like windows or words can be like walls. They can free or confine us. The choice is up to us. I'm choosing to see the way I'm examining my anger in a way which frees me from it. That, my friends, is happiness.
Mr. P and I are on the same team. It is much easier to resent a person than a situation.
But why do I resent the situation? Don't I love him?
Of course I do. But unfortunately, I have become used to expecting results and outcomes from people. I have become used to wanting results and outcomes from relationships.
Resignation is deciding you cannot or will not change something. Acceptance is an emotional phenomenon. It’s the letting go of the emotional demand for something to be different.
The point of a relationship is not to get the things we want out of it. I've told myself this time and time again. The point of a relationship is to have a mirror for the things you do. But it's also to be a mirror! I need to work on being a mirror for Mr. P. The root cause for my anxiety, and then my anger, is that I am not being a good mirror--I am being self-absorbed, no wonder I cannot feel my peace.
Desires are personal. They’re attached to you and they end where you end. They can be no bigger than you.
Love is bigger than you. To love someone is for their happiness to be the same as your own.
Instead of reacting to him this morning, I wish I would've had a quicker, more advance version of this blog running through my brain.
But the truth is, I may never get to that place. It does not mean I shouldn't try.
But the truth is, I may never get to that place. It does not mean I shouldn't try.
****************
Morality is the only way we can rationalize arguing with reality itself — it is the only way we can look at reality and say, “this shouldn’t be!” and believe that we are right. We can’t reasonably say “It is wrong that it’s raining!” but we can (and often do say) “He shouldn’t have done that.” Moralizing is an extremely common reaction to being inconvenienced. I do it all the time, and didn’t realize it most of my life.
I can complain all I want about how I've done all this work on behalf of me and Mr. P. But all I'm really bitching about it reality: he's a human with his own struggles and dukkha from wanting.
This morning I had an absurd thought: I'm too attached to Mr. P, it will be too hard on me when he finally leaves me, so I should leave him. I should let him go.
Nothing has ever made less sense to me. I'm too attached, so I should let him go? Why not adjust the attachment? Why not address the actual problem? It's easier to let go of the person than the situation. I can let go of the situation without letting go of the person. I can end the attachment without ending the relationship. I could even end the relationship without ending the love, the all important substance that we truly deserve and need as humans. This I know to be true.
******************
My father used to tell me all the time that no one is responsible for my emotions other than myself. Telling a teenager this is about as useful as describing the taste of a mango to someone who has never had one. He was also in the habit of doing this when he was at fault for hurting someone's feelings by being inconsiderate. The tree.
Mr. P accused me of being inconsiderate of his feelings this weekend. The apple.
It is true that I have neglected to identify with confidence the responsibility I have for my own emotional state. Forget that I forget all the time that my emotional state is nothing more than a body's reaction to my mind, neither of which are me. My mind is not concerned with this, nor is it concerned with taking responsibility. Responsibility looks like blame to my mind, which is untrained and unsophisticated in the ways of other humans. My mind only has itself as a frame of reference. When I listen to Mr. P tell me he is thinking of us, my mind only hears the resulting anxiety.
This is how the human mind works now. It creates unhappiness to keep us moving, with no regard for our quality of life.
********************
"I think about us often," Mr. P says. But my mind doesn't hear that.
I haven't read the book I just put on my wishlist yet, but I'll bet that nonviolent communication involves halting one's immediate emotional reaction to a message so that the other can truly be heard.
When I don't hear him, all I'm getting is the same old message, that this person I claim to love is inconveniencing me, making my life harder.
If my life is hard, it is because I see it that way, not because of anything Mr. P does or says. In fact, life has been and always will be hard. It's a long exercise in suffering and the only way to lessen suffering is to live in this moment.
In this moment, Mr. P has not left me. Mr. P is in a taxi on the way to the Japanese embassy to get his visa. I am eating leftover pad thai, which we bought for dinner together, for which he thanked me for going out into the cold to buy.
**********************
We love each other, we are loving each other. It is what it is, it is not what it is not.
The reflexive internal discussion about what ought to be happening is usually an unwelcome distraction. It prevents acceptance.
Who cares if I can assemble a graduate-level dissertation about why it is ethically reprehensible to park diagonally across two stalls? It will not improve the quality of my moment. Forgiveness will. Patience will. Gratitude will.
Meet this moment fully and as a friend.
Morality is the only way we can rationalize arguing with reality itself — it is the only way we can look at reality and say, “this shouldn’t be!” and believe that we are right. We can’t reasonably say “It is wrong that it’s raining!” but we can (and often do say) “He shouldn’t have done that.” Moralizing is an extremely common reaction to being inconvenienced. I do it all the time, and didn’t realize it most of my life.
I can complain all I want about how I've done all this work on behalf of me and Mr. P. But all I'm really bitching about it reality: he's a human with his own struggles and dukkha from wanting.
This morning I had an absurd thought: I'm too attached to Mr. P, it will be too hard on me when he finally leaves me, so I should leave him. I should let him go.
Nothing has ever made less sense to me. I'm too attached, so I should let him go? Why not adjust the attachment? Why not address the actual problem? It's easier to let go of the person than the situation. I can let go of the situation without letting go of the person. I can end the attachment without ending the relationship. I could even end the relationship without ending the love, the all important substance that we truly deserve and need as humans. This I know to be true.
******************
My father used to tell me all the time that no one is responsible for my emotions other than myself. Telling a teenager this is about as useful as describing the taste of a mango to someone who has never had one. He was also in the habit of doing this when he was at fault for hurting someone's feelings by being inconsiderate. The tree.
Mr. P accused me of being inconsiderate of his feelings this weekend. The apple.
It is true that I have neglected to identify with confidence the responsibility I have for my own emotional state. Forget that I forget all the time that my emotional state is nothing more than a body's reaction to my mind, neither of which are me. My mind is not concerned with this, nor is it concerned with taking responsibility. Responsibility looks like blame to my mind, which is untrained and unsophisticated in the ways of other humans. My mind only has itself as a frame of reference. When I listen to Mr. P tell me he is thinking of us, my mind only hears the resulting anxiety.
This is how the human mind works now. It creates unhappiness to keep us moving, with no regard for our quality of life.
********************
"I think about us often," Mr. P says. But my mind doesn't hear that.
I haven't read the book I just put on my wishlist yet, but I'll bet that nonviolent communication involves halting one's immediate emotional reaction to a message so that the other can truly be heard.
When I don't hear him, all I'm getting is the same old message, that this person I claim to love is inconveniencing me, making my life harder.
If my life is hard, it is because I see it that way, not because of anything Mr. P does or says. In fact, life has been and always will be hard. It's a long exercise in suffering and the only way to lessen suffering is to live in this moment.
In this moment, Mr. P has not left me. Mr. P is in a taxi on the way to the Japanese embassy to get his visa. I am eating leftover pad thai, which we bought for dinner together, for which he thanked me for going out into the cold to buy.
**********************
We love each other, we are loving each other. It is what it is, it is not what it is not.
The reflexive internal discussion about what ought to be happening is usually an unwelcome distraction. It prevents acceptance.
Who cares if I can assemble a graduate-level dissertation about why it is ethically reprehensible to park diagonally across two stalls? It will not improve the quality of my moment. Forgiveness will. Patience will. Gratitude will.
Meet this moment fully and as a friend.
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