Mr. P returns from Tokyo tomorrow afternoon. I spent the day wondering if our relationship had changed, if I had changed since he has been gone.

I have been dreading his return in many ways. You see, I have developed my own routine. I've lived in my home for three weeks. And I've enjoyed it. Well, I've enjoyed everything except my hour long commute to work. Nonetheless I have enjoyed it. Part of it is because I've become more relaxed in terms of who I spend my time with while he is away. I let go of the boundaries, the little lines we had drawn or, I had drawn, rather.

I began to wonder if I had in fact developed a resentment against him, despite having tried desperately not to. Of course I have sacrificed to spend time with him. Of course when he said that perhaps we do spend too much time together, it hurts somewhere. 

My best friend said something tonight that made it all feel so much better. Every day, we just wanted to spend time together, and sure sometimes it's too much. But it's so worth it.

Tonight something special happened. He called me from his hotel room as he was packing. He was clearly busy. But he was listening to me. He hung up for moment and went to check out in the lobby. But he called me back. I saw, it in his eyes, still very much in love. Nothing has really changed. The details may be somewhat different. But by God, it's still there!

The truth is something that I have run away from so many times. So much of my love life has been about building a fantasy, convincing myself that there was love when there wasn't. But with Mr. P. it's different. I tried to run away from fact that we do love each other. And I don't know why.  In the end, it doesn't really matter why. In the end all what matters is that we return.

We return to love.

Yes, this week has been very difficult. I'm more exhausted than I can ever remember being during graduate school. And I've cursed every moment of this week. And yet now I find myself once again, the luckiest woman alive. My love, that thing that drives me, thing that inspires me, it's right exactly where I needed it to be. It feels miraculous because I did nothing to bring it here. 

Or maybe, I did everything before, the way that one reaps what they sow.