I Want

Once again, I find myself inspired by the Raptitude.

I've written before about how I'm convinced I don't want what I think I want. The problems start when I realize there are indeed things I want, but most of them are out of my reach.

We know wanting is the problem. So why should I write a post like this?

Because to want really isn't the whole problem. The problem is what happens when we don't get what we want.  It's okay to have healthy wants. It's not okay to cling to outcomes or expectations of what will happen once we have what we want. That leads to suffering and disappointment. Those are no-no's.

So what do I really want?

I want my life to not feel so rushed all the time. Is it possible that I can map out how to study and work without it seemingly impossible for me to follow?

I want to pay more attention to the details. I feel as though I miss out on them and that this missing out is always causing me problems.

I want to be closer to the action. I'm tired of going all the way to Virginia just because I live out there. I think I'd rather be poor and close than slightly better off and far away.

I want to read more for pleasure. Who doesn't? Maybe I can make an effort to get in the bed earlier with a book a few nights a week.

I want to eat better and with more intention. If I'm to live this crazy lifestyle, I will need sleep and energy to do it. But more importantly, I want to feel like I've planned to eat something, I'm not just running out because I have to. I do enjoy eating at the Red Cross. I think I'd like to be sure I'm able to do that.

I want to be more spontaneous. The other night, I met up with U on a whim, and I loved it. Mr. P even stopped by to see me while I was out. It was fun.

I want to go out more and meet new people. I feel like most of my life is Mr. P, which isn't a bad thing. But it will be much worse for me when we break up. Also, I find it very fun. And I think it makes me a better person that I hang out with different people all the time.

I want to decide if I need to admit defeat to alcohol or give up on it.

I want to do my best with my boss, even if it means she never changes. I should accept her for who and what she is instead of fighting with it all the time.

I want to come home and love my apartment. Just love that it screams me.

I want to dedicate some time to changing my career. It's not going to change itself.