Things have quieted down a lot.

But some things still really piss me off. Like I come to all these great conclusions, and instead of learning from them and not repeating my mistakes, I keep making them over and over.

For instance, it's a given that when S comes to visit, I get particularly anxious. It's normal: I'm a single mom and I put enormous pressure on myself to make his visits memorable and perfect, because I'm not there all the time. I want his memories of me to be good. To be perfect.

This naturally causes a strain in my relationship with Mr. P. Why wouldn't it?

Yesterday, S's dad came to pick him up. Mr. P went with me to the airport, maintained respectful distance, then he took me home and we made love. And I took a long hot shower while he made fish tacos. Then we had some wine, watched a Brazilian movie and we fell asleep in each other's arms.

Why did I ever think that there was something wrong?

I told him last night that I thought I'd lost him.

Why did I ever think that?