Today

I enjoyed today; or I should say, today, I enjoyed. I have made my goal for my day off with my son to enjoy it. Not to get done any particular house work, or even to run errands which most people including myself attempt to do when alone with a child. When confronted with my own laziness or irritability with the fact that I had no routine to count on today, I simply told myself to enjoy it. Enjoy having nothing to do. It sounds simple, but it’s not easy. My legs and arms wanted to give way under the weight of a 30 pound child as I carried him across 2 acres of park and out of a 10,000 square foot museum this morning. But I enjoyed every step. And when I reached the car, I reflected on how far I’d come.

The wind was strong and playful today. It’s full of messages, some of them rather serious. But I’m not listening to the wind today. For the first time I can remember, today I want nothing but the present. I am unconcerned with the future and I am not thinking about the past. I do not know if the past in particular is simply not interested in me today or if I’ve managed to stop thinking so much about it. All I know is that I lived in the moment today in a way I do not ever remembering doing.
Rumi said, ‘Do not fall back to sleep’. Sy Sanfransky, editor of what is arguably the best independent magazine ever created quoted Rumi today. ‘Perhaps we slept through a marriage’ he said. It hadn’t occurred to me that I wasn’t alone in having done that. I’ve mused to Raja often about how I had buried myself in my husband, hurt and distraught over having lost Anirban and touched death itself with the tips of my fingers. And Sanfransky is right…his magazine is a document meant to keep you from falling asleep again. I couldn’t have put it better myself. I also do not want to fall asleep again. It’s one of the reasons I separated from my husband. It was too easy to sleep while with him. And when I woke up, he was annoyed that I’d dreamt, annoyed I’d changed because of my dreams. Oh…feeling now, anything, makes me want to cry. I made love two weeks ago and afterwards, though he did not notice, I shed a tear. I was overwhelmed with the responsibility that feeling brings, demands of someone.

I must rid myself of this feeling that I’m waiting for life to happen. After all, I am already living it. And it’s not waiting for me.