Understanding, by itself, is important to me. I saw a car today with a ‘W’ sticker on it. After getting over the initial disgust, all I was left with was ‘Why?’ Why would someone want another human being to vote for a lying, manipulative murderer like George Bush? Then I read the Sun when I got home, and I read about a woman who said eating M&Ms was easier than finding a boyfriend. Men don’t fill the void either, I thought to myself, having tried that. But she was right. If neither fills the void, why not choose the easier one? It was then that I understood that this man in the car, just like the woman and her candy, chose the easier because they didn’t see a solution in either choice. Like the minors who died in that tragic blast last month…they’d stuffed a vent with trash. They knew they could not properly seal it but it had to be closed. So why not use refuse? Even if I cannot agree with it, understanding is still necessary. I can understand the need for easy.
Perhaps that is what I saw in his eyes that day we met, shook hands. I have been trying to find words to describe what made me fall for Sagar the way I have, quietly, lightly, firmly. Without pomp and circumstance, or floweriness, or unnecessary adornment and fuss. He has an ease with the world, with life, that I cannot describe. Even as I sit here, knowing he loves me, I know my love doesn’t burn the world through for him. His soul, to me, seems shaped in the fashion of the Buddha, and he would laugh if I said that to him. He finds anguish inexplicable, even as he has anguished. And I gravitate towards that. Just when I was thinking I knew all there was to know about love, because I had loved, Sagar taught me how much I had been missing.
Someone once told me that the only plants worth having were the ones who survive you. I think that way about relationships. It’s not as though I am some hurricane force, bent on destroying lives and breaking hearts but my nature is a bit uncompromising when I am paying attention. It could be said of me that if I say yes, you should check to be sure I’m listening to the question.
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