A Cold Summer

I worry. Oh my G*D do I worry.

I am not concerned that you show up sometimes in my memory, in my working frame of mind, in the person sitting in the car next to me. It doesn’t trouble me that when I smile, I smile for you.

I expect these things.

I worry however, what these things will prevent me from doing.

My world now is a frightening plethora of possibility. So many hundreds of them…but not one of them you. What is it about you?

Your polarity. Your magnetic smile. Your pain. There is a part of me I can never recover. That part of me remains yours, forever and ever, not at all with my consent and yet more true than anything I understand, comprehend, know.

Your silence is my solace. You protect my world and yours with your quietude. I thank you for it without word or conscience, yet strangely enough I love you more for it.
Remain with me and without me, my love. I finally know now why you read me, feel me when I am not there. I know you.

My only hope now is that you are depthless, and I am a fool. How comfortable foolishness would feel now. Because I never stop to think of you now. You’re like breath. You come, you go, unnoticed. If I stopped to think of you…it would kill me, I would absolutely drown in my own tears. Not because I am alone but because you are. I untie my hair. You never ran your fingers through it but I know now how it would feel.

My life is fear. Overcoming it, understanding it, feeling its exquisiteness.

You are the only thing I was never afraid of. I separate these things from you and still find you, glowing. A beacon. Our memories a guide in the stillness of the night.
I still hate you. Hate you because we are so equally right as wrong. We exist as if it’s a perfect world and yet completely outside of it. Do you think of me? Am I so wrong?

Could I be this wrong except without you?
Two tears a day I owe you for the rest of my life. I will not complain about the debt. But I will not enjoy repaying it either.

I will pretend to move on. I will walk in the footsteps so many have walked in. I knew life's lessons before I met you, but it was through you I felt them and believed them. And this, this is why I loved you, in the dirtiest and cleanest, deepest and longest way possible. I know me, and you, and us, through our love.