Today

I am not Superman. I have no answers for you. I am no hero, oh, that’s for sure. But I do know one thing.

Where you are is where I belong.

Today:

1. Pandora thinks I’m depressed or something. Stupid Music Genome Project. It seriously started my day off with a song whose first lyrics were "Everybody hates you today." Gee, thanks Pandora.
2. I’m sad that I went without an English muffin.

My new goal will to be to learn how not to scream my ass off at my kid when he refuses to get ready in the morning. I just need to accept that he’s got his limitations. No one screams at me when I don’t do what I’m supposed to do, and I would hate it if they did. I’m lucky that he forgives me for behaving like a spoiled military sergeant.

Re-reading the Dalai Lama’s words on keeping suffering close to you, the way you keep your enemies close, is giving me a whole new spin on life (“As long as we view suffering as an unnatural state, an abnormal condition that we fear, avoid, and reject, we will never uproot the causes of suffering and begin to live a happier life”). Just hoping the rinse cycle doesn’t show up any time soon.

I think I just made a tiny bit of progress there.

I’m a little annoyed, however, by some of my reactions to the Dalai Lama. After all, he’s completely right when he says how much or even if we suffer at all is due in large part to our reaction to difficult situations. While it may seem elementary, the fact that I tortured myself over Anirban for a year was entirely due to my own reaction to the state in which our relationship ended. I could’ve saved myself a hell of a lot of trouble if I’d just seen it for what it was: two people not meant to be together.

But there’s probably no point in reliving my own torture by pissing and moaning about how I wish I hadn’t been so hung up on it. In fact, it’s probably counterproductive. I’m not doing exactly what he says you should do, which is accept yourself wholly. Even the part of you that let you slip into totally destructive self-contempt.

In situations like this, I like to remind myself that there are people in this world who believe that depression is a biological response to people’s refusal to deal with their problems (refusal to suffer? Wow…I see a blog coming out here). There is research that indicates depression is the mind’s way of saying “You don’t want to listen to me talking to you about your problems? Well then I will depress you so that your only option is to sit and stew about it until you figure it out.” It makes complete sense to me. Depression only ends two ways: you end your own misery, or you come out a more experienced and often times happier person. I’m better off for experiencing it, even if in the end I decided I cannot talk to him, cannot have him in my life without it being a factor so complicating to me that living itself is hard.

That, and he’s a putz.

Today is the first day of my job without Emily. Sure, she’s been on vacation and stuff, I’ve held down the fort without her. But it’s weird knowing she’s not coming back. Work loves…man, they are tough to get over. The good news is that I don’t have to get over her entirely. We’re going out for martinis tonight. I admit, I’m a little nervous. There is no replacement on the horizon for her, and I’m not entirely sure they will find one. My biggest fear is that they will try to replace her with just a person, and try to train that person to be Emily. That’s not going to work; they really need someone with serious software experience, particularly in People Soft and Oracle. But what do I know?

Thank G*d I’m getting the hell out of here.