"A guard is a fear-based defense mechanism that you put up and take down over and over again to protect yourself from your own vulnerability in intimate relationships. It’s an exhausting exercise that can weigh down your soul."
"Being emotional does not mean you’re being irrational."
"If I’m the empress of my own happiness and that empire is crumbling, what should I do?
Build a new one, bitch."
"Forgiveness is not the same thing as absolution. It doesn’t mean your abuser is free from the consequences of his or her behavior just because you’ve let go of your anger and resentment. All it means is that you are free from the consequences of their behavior."
" “I’m emotionally unavailable” is a catch-all excuse used by selfish people to rationalize patterns of behavior ranging from garden-variety lack of character to downright malignant narcissism."
On last night:
So yesterday I had my IUD changed out. I basically love my IUD. It's the most convenient form of birth control ever made, and if I had to choose one characteristic that I wish all birth control had, it would be by far and away convenience. The 'effective' part is useful, but people are lazy assholes, so convenient is really a requirement for birth control. Especially if we don't want more lazy people running around this planet. I freely admit to my laziness, so I have an IUD.
Mr. P met met at the OB/GYN's office to make sure I got home okay. My OB/GYN is a nice enough old guy who wrote me a prescription for Vicodin. That's because last time I had my IUD inserted, I had an ugly vasovagal response. No one's cervix likes that shit, but tough luck, lady parts.
Vicodin is fun but it basically incapacitates you as far as transportation is concerned. Mr. P was kind enough (or dare I say just earning his right to enjoy that I cannot be knocked up) to get my back to his place in one piece.
As the drugs began to wear off, I felt very peaceful with life. I felt happy and that all the problems I think I have will probably work out, even the scary financial ones. I looked online a bit for a new apartment in the city. I would like to move closer into the city. I even thought about what I will do if/when Mr. P and I break up. If/when that happens, I'm getting a fucking dog.
At some point the drugs wore off, we ordered take out. Over dinner, I asked him if he would mind if I moved into his apartment building. I do like this neighborhood and if I try hard, I can afford a studio in his building. It's close enough that I can walk to work and nice enough to have lots of things to do. I would probably prefer to live in Cleveland Park, but Mr. P's hood is just as nice.
"You might as well move in here," he said. And he said it more than once.
I'm not going to lie, I have no idea what that means. It could mean:
"Well FUCK me running, if you want to move into MY building, you might as well just move in HERE." Sarcasm abounds.
Or it could mean:
"I did clear out a drawer for you, even when I was probably calling you an obnoxious drunk in my own head. Maybe we should jsut throw caution to the wind and move in together already."*
Or, it could be just another:
Lately, all I can think is that I really don't want to move in with Mr. P if it's not truly something he wants. I was thinking the best I could hope for was to stay with him, temporarily over the summer after my lease expires, to give me a chance to put a little money away before I get another place.
Because if I move into the city, alone, into an apartment I will be scraping money together to afford every month, you better believe I will not be staying over at his house any more.
If I'm going to pay for a place that is closer, I will fucking be there, even if I would rather be with him. If he doesn't like it, well, he should've put a lease on it. If I do end up staying the way I have been, I would build a huge resentment against him.
The situation is what it is right now, but when it changes, mama will not be playing any more. And I will not take these wishy washy fucking answers either.
"You might as well move in here," is the emotional equivalent of "Uhhhhhhhhh". I almost wish he would just say:
"I really don't know how to make you understand that I have no interest in moving in with you, nor do I anticipate having any such interest, and I really would like you to stop asking me to."
Because his back and forth on this makes my feelings seems small, it makes me feel like:
I didn't latch onto what he said. In fact, I down right avoided reacting to it. If he was trying to get me to eventually feel like:
then I think he's done a stellar job of it AND he's an asshole.
*He has good reason to call me this.
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