Also this is great advice on cynicism. And this quote: "Jealousy focuses on something you’re afraid to lose. Envy focuses on something you want to gain." Fucking right on.
Anyway back to the drinking.
This is going to take some time, because it's a tangled issue. It's got psychological, mental, cultural, genetic, and spiritual implications. I will deal with each one and see if I can't get some idea of a path to get on here. It's been too long.
I am also high as a fucking kite right now. Legally and for medical reasons, not that I needed to justify it.
Update.
Am not longer high. Was super fun while it lasted, though.
So the drinking thing. I'm not going to lie, I'm obnoxious when I've had too much to drink. It used to be that if I started to drink, I almost always ended up drinking more than I intended to. That has changed, in part because my drunken behavior really annoys Mr. P. I can totally see why.
This Saturday I had too much to drink and I spent the night accusing Mr. P of secretly being an ISI spy. I also insisted that he check to be sure no one was following us home. I'm paranoid as fuck when I'm drunk.
Those of us smart people, who let the little voice in our heads rule our lives and run them, too, we drink to get it to shut up. This mindless chatter is emotionally exhausting and most of us don't know how to shut it up. We think drinking helps, because we feel different, we feel disconnected from the voice. The problem is when we drink, we drown out our consciousness. It's a way of escaping who we truly are rather than embracing it fully. It's a total fucking copout. When I was a straight edge, I knew this to be true even though as I got older, I stopped believing it. I came to see my views on life to be very naive when I was a straight edge. I let the little voice inside my head win, that little voice that says "I want to drink".
How do stop wanting?
We focus on the now. We fully meet this moment, this one in which I am typing, and we hope to meet it as a friend.
It could be as simple as stoping the want to get drunk. That want is pretty powerful but it seems doable to me. The real question is, if I have the alcoholism disease, it may not be easy enough for me to just "have enough to not be obnoxious".
The other really shitty part, the part that is eating into my ability to stop this want, the part that's feeding my little voice, is that I really just wish Mr. P would love me for who I am, drunk and all. I know deep down that if I don't stop being an obnoxious drunk, he will break up with me. He says "I can't do this all the time" as if I get drunk all the time. Except it does.
This is not an honest motivation for genuine change, people. Changing so that we don't lose someone is the fastest way for the wheels to come off any operation, and quite frankly I've done enough of it in my lifetime, thankyouverymuch.
Like I said, this is just the beginning of the conversation. I think it will take a lot for me to get where I need to be with respect to drinking. Unlike many devolved thought processes, it will take time.
Update.
Am not longer high. Was super fun while it lasted, though.
So the drinking thing. I'm not going to lie, I'm obnoxious when I've had too much to drink. It used to be that if I started to drink, I almost always ended up drinking more than I intended to. That has changed, in part because my drunken behavior really annoys Mr. P. I can totally see why.
This Saturday I had too much to drink and I spent the night accusing Mr. P of secretly being an ISI spy. I also insisted that he check to be sure no one was following us home. I'm paranoid as fuck when I'm drunk.
Those of us smart people, who let the little voice in our heads rule our lives and run them, too, we drink to get it to shut up. This mindless chatter is emotionally exhausting and most of us don't know how to shut it up. We think drinking helps, because we feel different, we feel disconnected from the voice. The problem is when we drink, we drown out our consciousness. It's a way of escaping who we truly are rather than embracing it fully. It's a total fucking copout. When I was a straight edge, I knew this to be true even though as I got older, I stopped believing it. I came to see my views on life to be very naive when I was a straight edge. I let the little voice inside my head win, that little voice that says "I want to drink".
How do stop wanting?
We focus on the now. We fully meet this moment, this one in which I am typing, and we hope to meet it as a friend.
It could be as simple as stoping the want to get drunk. That want is pretty powerful but it seems doable to me. The real question is, if I have the alcoholism disease, it may not be easy enough for me to just "have enough to not be obnoxious".
The other really shitty part, the part that is eating into my ability to stop this want, the part that's feeding my little voice, is that I really just wish Mr. P would love me for who I am, drunk and all. I know deep down that if I don't stop being an obnoxious drunk, he will break up with me. He says "I can't do this all the time" as if I get drunk all the time. Except it does.
This is not an honest motivation for genuine change, people. Changing so that we don't lose someone is the fastest way for the wheels to come off any operation, and quite frankly I've done enough of it in my lifetime, thankyouverymuch.
Like I said, this is just the beginning of the conversation. I think it will take a lot for me to get where I need to be with respect to drinking. Unlike many devolved thought processes, it will take time.
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