I worry.

Worry is a fixation on the future, so I shall not worry.

But what is it that worries me?

Today it occured to me that I find Mr. P to be quite selfish. He asked me last night if his unwillingness to marry me, procreate with me, even move in with me (yes, we are apparently back where we started) was unfair to me. I said no, that I believed he was just being honest.

But one can indeed be honest and also unfair. The two conditions are not mutually exclusive after all.

But I still don't think it's unfair. "What is fair in life?" I asked him. I've never seen fair.

His unwillingness seems to me to be because of some fault in me. In reality, it is a flaw in him. It is much easier for me to see flaws in myself because I am enamored of him. And I want to love someone who is empowered to be better and stronger because of my love. This is not who Mr. P is. In fact, I know no one who is this, I don't think I've met him, and I don't believe I've ever dated him.

I do not know why I want him and I to love together. I also do not care that I don't know why. But if it's something that will cause me to suffer, I should know.

This idea affords me a certain sense of security. To need security, one needs to be insecure, and I can admit to being insecure. I will not find security in moving in with Mr. P. I will find security in stopping the desire to want.
How do stop wanting?
We focus on the now. We fully meet this moment, this one in which I am typing, and we hope to meet it as a friend. 

I want to meet all my moments as a friend. The ones I spend with Mr. P, I want to meet those as a friend also.

I can quiet my mind but the emotion is still there. The emotion is part of the habitual thought process, it's a reaction to my thoughts. It will take time to quiet my emotions, just as it took time to quiet my mind, and disquieted emotions does not mean I have failed, or that anything is wrong.

It occured to me to show Mr. P this article I read about sharing and interconnectedness in a relationship, true Buddhist style. Perhaps I will, but I think I will not. I wouldn't be doing it with a pure heart. I would be doing it so that he might find a tool with which dismantle this paranoid protection of his independence, and then I might finally get what I want.

How do stop wanting?
We focus on the now. We fully meet this moment, this one in which I am typing, and we hope to meet it as a friend. 
I would be lying to myself if I said I wanted to live with him for some lofty romantic reason. The motivation is financial. Why should I ask him to compromise even his selfishness for my own solvency? Is it not my own problem with which to deal? Of course it is.

It's times like these, Foo Fighter sings. It's times like these that I want to cry. The stress of finals is over, my shoulders are still bunched up, my life is not at all what I thought it was.

"If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?"
Rumi is right.

I stumbled upon my paper last night. All ten pages of it poured from me because I think my mind is not as tired as it usually is, I'm not running it ragged the way I was. I feel physical fatigue today. My emotions are also beginning to slow.

Alcohol is now clear to me. I know now why we seek it, us "smart" people. Our minds are constantly racing, and this is exhausting. We do not know how to quiet it, so we drink. The drinking though makes us lose control over our minds, our thoughts, and then suddenly I'm asking Mr. P if maybe we shouldn't get married after all, as if he has changed his mind and just hasn't told me yet.
Then my mind, without its watcher, its rancher, runs wild. Being drunk is not unlike being crazy. Crazy people's minds are disconnected from their beings.

Us smart people...our minds are so powerful that they compel us to drink to keep them around. For what happens the next day? We must think our way out of whatever dumb thing we did or said while we were drunk. We must think of how to repair a relationship or sort out an apology to our loved ones for whatever we did, or said. Our minds create problems to fix them, and one of the biggest problem I make is with alcohol. In wanting to quiet our minds, we unleash them.

How do stop wanting?
We focus on the now. We fully meet this moment, this one in which I am typing, and we hope to meet it as a friend.