Indecision

I'm not sure.

How did I make the decision to stay with Mr P if I wasn't sure?

I guess when you're sitting on someone's couch talking, there is a certain pressure you put on yourself to decide. I want to let myself be undecided. I've told him I want him, that I want to be with him, that I believe in us and that he deserves to be loved as he is, and that if I stay, it will not be with the hope that he will change.

None of that has to become untrue for me to remain undecided.

Because what has happened is my life feels upside-down. I don't want the focus of my relationship to be on whether or not Mr. P can keep his pants on. I don't want to worry day-in and day-out about it (and I will. I know because I have already) when I have a life of my own to build and a career that hasn't even started yet.

There is a gnawing in my chest that will not go away. There are moments when I feel strong and empowered by my love for him, my almost-fearless love for him. And then the rest of the day I'm jsut lost, muddling over our conversation.

He knows. He's seen it, commented on the spacey concerned look on my face. I know he's thinking of it too, and I've asked that he leave the decision to me. I don't want him to pity-break up with me because I keep going back and forth about what to do.

Deep down, underneath all my insecurity that has been basically exposed in a completely raw way, I think I know that this is the right thing to do for me. That it's what I want and that even if it goes horribly wrong, that is okay. Maybe I'm in a position in life now where I can mercifully make a choice not because it's the best one to make or the right one or a good one but because I want it. Even if I want it because I'm a fucking mess who should be put out of her misery.

I have been watching too much Sex and the City. I know it's complete trash. But it's also validating. It's powerful:we watch a couple, who we all know should be together, evolve to be together. And maybe more than anything that's the shot I want. I want to know for certain: are there couples that can overcome anything? Can I be in one of those...and am I in one right now?