I'm too drunk to be writing. Or I'm barely drunk enough.

I saw Mr. P tonight. He helped me discern the cause for my anxiety (this Holy Shit-Am-I-Having-A-Heart-Attack pain in my chest since our conversation Saturday)...it's not the question of monogamy itself (at least...not yet). No, it's the idea that if I don't figure it out right now he will just cheat. Immediately he will reset the parameters of our relationship. He will decide.

I don't know where this idea came from. He certainly never said things should or would immediately change. Where had I come up with this idea?

He assured me that one conversation...even 6...would probably not put the idea to rest.

I cried on his shoulder and he apologized yet again...not for being who he is but for the situation. We agreed that any human has a choice in their actions but not for their feelings.

I suddenly realized that we were going to be alright...not because I could predict the future but because everything already has turned out just fine.

I asked him to give me time, to let me in when he least wants me there...and I felt him open up as he held me close.
I told him my schedule and he told me his. And I realized nothing had changed. We were still in love. I was still amazed at him and he was still enraptured by me. As long as this was the case we could and absolutely would survive. He was willing to take all the time I needed to talk to him, all the while knowing I could still change my mind and walk away. He's either a master manipulator or the best man I've ever dated.