Where do I begin?

The fact that I haven't written in a long time means I'm doing better. I usually only blog because I'm not feeling great about a situation.

Things that are scaring me: I feel better, stronger, more independent and more independent since Mr. P left the U.S. I finally understand in simple terms why we are not together, our respective roles in them. I don't understand why we were not that way when we were together. Didn't I feel strong and independent with him? The truth is, I did not. I think it had everything to do with me being dedicated to him in superficial ways but knowing he was not really committed to me. It's not possible to commit to someone who hasn't done it for you, who expects you will be replaced by someone eventually, who does not find your company fulfilling enough to make you his partner. Maybe I shaved off parts of my personality and myself to accommodate this. I really don't know. I don't need to know why to stop it from happening again. I crushed my own independence while we were together. I stopped working out so I could be with him. I wasn't studying enough so that I could be with him. It's really no wonder I flipped out the way I did after we'd broken up---I'd given up so much that I really didn't know what to do without him.

What I can tell from what has happened so far is that I no longer feel like I can't live without him, like I'm going to explode with fear if we never get back together. I've finally come to terms with the fact that we are broken up--for a while, it didn't feel that way.

And the truth is, we cannot get back together if we are never really apart. There is a part of me that is excited, even if it's only a little bit, to see if that's possible someday. I went back and read my old blogs...we have had struggles fairly frequently since we met. It wasn't an irregular occurence.

I miss him. I don't miss him in the destructive way you crave something. When I think about him, which is often, I keep arriving at the same two conclusions.

We rushed into things, we became very serious without really understanding what made the other one tick, and I committed myself to him far too fast.

The second one is, I love him. I love him and I miss his company. I want to see him, to talk to him, hold him. It's becoming clear to me now that perhaps maybe a serious relationship was not such a good idea for us. We could've dated and it would've been fun. Maybe someday we can do that again.