I'm just not put together well. And being with Mr. P makes me feel like there is something horribly wrong with me.

Last night started off fine. We've been getting along pretty well, actually. We spent a good couple of days together, then a couple of shitty days, then we are back to good, and now shitty again. It's very up and down. I suppose that's what happens when you are growing into a new relationship. To try to iron these things out will not be easy, we have said this to each other numerous times. And yet every time it happens, I feel shocked, surprised. "Why isn't this easy?" I shout to myself.  Well...what in life is?

At some point last night I thought it would be a good idea to tell Mr. P that I'm a catch and that he ought to want not only to have a life partner but to have me as a life partner. This, after knowing well that this isn't what he thinks he needs or wants.  Maybe it was the glass of wine I had before dinner or the raging PMS or the fact that we are still sleeping together. I missed him terribly and I was unhappy that he is alright with me missing him, I was unhappy that he was alright with me wanting to be with him everyday when we are not.

I don't know.

Before long I was calling him an idiot and telling him what he wanted.

You can imagine how well that went over.

I wasn't dishonest. But I was a bully. Being honest is not easy when you're accustomed to understating things in a dishonest way, so when I feel the need to be honest, sometimes I will become a bully, over-defending myself, as if I expect to be attacked for who I am. Especially when he asked me about Journalist. I suddenly felt exposed because I had lied about him and now I had to fess up. While I'm more than ready to be honest about things going forward, I wasn't ready to be honest about the things I'd lied about. I have been busy working on changing my behavior now and was unprepared to talk about the past.

The truth is, I have on more than one occasion used my attractiveness to get information from people. Journalist was that for me. That's why I went to meet him and why I lied to Mr. P. I don't find fault in using my attractiveness. He asked me what the line was, implied that maybe I would use sex acts to get what I want, as if I was some kind of monster. The truth is I don't know what the line is because I'm so far from it that I can't see it. I'm not manipulative, I don't sleep with men for any reason other than I genuinely like them.

I appear to be flirty a little to get attention from the right people. It's not a crime and people do it all the time. I'm not the least bit uncomfortable about it and in fact in some ways it makes me feel powerful. But I felt ashamed telling him, partly because it's an unfair advantage and partly because I'd lied to him. It will always be hard for me to tell the truth if I feel ashamed. I need to stop feeling ashamed. It have never occured to me that Mr. P might've thought I found him boring and that's why I want to see someone else. Mr. P has never bored me in the slightest, and that's why I am so fond of spending time with him. It's why I missed him, it's why I want to see him everyday, it's why I think of him as my ideal life partner.

I woke up at 5am and felt terrible. I knew he would be upset and need time. This morning he told me he wanted to cancel our dinner reservation for Friday.

This is exactly the kind of thing that I can't live with...I cannot live with someone who will disappear on me. Not today, not in a year, or ten. The feeling that he is always looking for a way out is not something I'm making up. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The fact is, I don't trust him to stick around. I trust him in so many other ways, but I don't trust that he will be here.

I have to come to grips with the fact that it's okay if he leaves. It will suck and I will be unhappy but it is okay. And secondly, I have to learn to live in the right now, this moment. Worrying about some day when he will leave makes it impossible for me to be right in front of him now. How do I become more self-aware? How do I get in front of my own thoughts and feelings and make the right decisions, instead of beating up the man I love with my inconsistencies?!

So what do I do now? I made a mistake and have to learn to live with the consequences. It won't help me to pretend I know what they will be. Mr. P usually has some blame to share but in this particular case, it's just me. I was being a bully because I'm scared to be honest. It's progress. It's not pretty but it's progress just the same. I know why I did something, surely that will help me from doing it again.

I have to give him space to think and breathe. If he feels like he needs an explanation from me then he will ask for it. I have to try not to freak out and assume everything is over and he never wants to see me again. I tend to assume the worst and it's a really terrible way to live. What's worse, that anxiety will prompt me to not do exactly what he asked me to, which is give him time and space. I will want to explain and cajole and beg and plead because seeing him and talking will make it better for me. But it won't for him, not right now. I have to respect that. And he has to be able to trust that I will give him what he asks for.

Calm down, J. Calm the f*ck down.