It’s no secret that Mr. P and I have had (many?) commitment issues. We got through the “I-never-want-to-get-married” crisis. Then there was the “I-can’t-guarantee-I-won’t-fuck-other-women” drama. And now we are on to the “I-know-we-arebasically-living-together-but-we-can’t-share-the-same-address” calamity.

Talk about moving from one self-induced crisis to another. It’s getting so old. And to top it all off, I’m more concerned than ever that I’ll put in a ton of effort with Mr. P, then he will run off to someone else, all his commitment issues fixed. And they will live happily ever after.

Oh what-the-fuck-ever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m not stupid. I now know exactly what his problem is, and not just the whole moving-in-together thing either. The dude is terrified that I’m going to leave him.

And the truth is, he fucking should be. I think about it every other God damned day. It’s called a self-fulfilling prophecy for a good, damned reason. He knows he’s dashing around the issue and that it’s completely balless of him. He knows I could spit out the window and hit a man who has fewer commitment issues. So he’s afraid that I will leave him, and that’s why he doesn’t want to move in together, so in the meantime I will leave him because he’s ignoring what I want in this relationship. It’s exactly the same reason he’s so jealous for no reason. When there’s men all around me who want to offer me more and offer me better, it’s got to be hard for him to know he’s failing me without thinking I will eventually see it for all it’s worth and take one or all of them up on their offers.  This is where my brother comes in. It took all of ten minutes of texting him this morning to figure this out. My brother is my favorite sounding board. He’s quite the deep thinker. He thinks about things most people don’t bother with, then he neatly files away things and retrieves them later when presented with the topic.

 Plus, I’m not falling for the “reciprocity” trick.

 “I can go to your house, too,” he says, when I complain that I’m tired of feeling like a perpetual guest at his place.

“Sweety, please don’t try to fix unpragmatic shit with even more unpragmatic shit.” My house is an hour outside of DC. How does more going back and forth make going back and forth easier?!

He keeps asking me why it’s important for us to move in together.

Are you kidding me? Trying to turn this into some kind of therapy session will score him zero Brownie points.  We are already living together. We make decisions together. If we don’t want to get married, then I want the next best thing. I want a live-in-lover, I want to come home to him and my space at the same time, I want to live my life fully. Not out of a trashy blue duffel bag.

 

So yes, I’m angry about it. And yes, I know being angry will do almost nothing to fix it.