Moments

The reason we live in our head is that we are in search of the moment. 'Moment' seems like the wrong word, because moment insinuates time, and there was no one time when it happened. Not one I can define. It's more of an event, but is the flipping of a card en event? So quickly it happens, to call it an event seems like injustice. So moment it is.

Lacking in all definition, somehow I found the moment just now.

Of course I loved him. Of course I cheated on him. Of course a man I respected told me I would most certainly die, and of course I fell in love. There was a moment when I became capable of love, a moment I became able to love. I don't expect him to understand, even less do I expect that I could explain it. This is not the moment I'm talking about. It was a side effect of the moment.

The run, the run brought it all back. It's so hard to have been her and to be me now. It's so hard to reconcile, and I see now why I asked if he had...reconciled me. He hasn't. He never knew me. I think I was just hoping some one had so I wouldn't have to.

He's gone. I am glad he's gone, he wasn't my soul mate or the only man I've loved or anything even close. In fact a man I really do love is on his way over right now, and I'm having an emotional tornado in my brain. I have such excellent timing.

But there was a moment when I changed, when everything that naturally came before can never be now, it seems dysfunctional and out of place in the most hideous of ways. It's not an improvement or a step backwards, it's just that one moment you know who are and the next you don't. There is nothing more frightening than that, not even certain death.

(Of course I love this city, but I can't live here. I don't belong. Of course I love him, but I can't be with him. We don't belong.) It's so easy to get stuck on "I must be doing something wrong because I don't feel like myself, I wouldn't have done this or that or said this or that so I must be wrong" but I'm not wrong. I'm just me. And not me.

I will run tomorrow, the worst run of my entire life, and I will be nothing like her and yet be her. It's the way people try not to change that isn't natural and yet change feels like the one thing we are built to resist. It can feel like death or a second chance at life, but most of the time it feels like both.