I said I was sorry.
I am always saying I'm sorry. I know words don't mean much, but they should. They should God damn it. It's not just words people mean when they apologize. Behind those words are meaning. When I say I'm sorry, I mean I won't do it again and I learn how to be a better friend/mother/girlfriend/wife whatever in the process of asking why I did what I did. That's a fucking bargain and a half.

So when I realized that I had assumed my old flame's affection for me was intended to spark a new relationship between two people who had once loved each other but at different times, and then found out I was wrong about that, I said I was sorry. Because I had put him through a minor chord of hell in the process.

So I said, "I'm sorry that I assumed that."

There chemistry is when there is potential. It's the friction needed, the energy potential required to cause a chemical reaction. But him and I are not vinegar and baking soda... we are baking soda and water. There will be no reaction. He cannot love me again and will never let what I thought he wanted actually happen. So you see...I panicked myself for nothing.
"You are attracted to me, I am to you, but there is no chemistry. Because you want love to fall within parameters you set up, as if some human can dictate other-worldly events."
He pitched a fit about how I was right, he is an asshole, he's never loved anyone and never will. And that was all. The end, again.

It's funny how our intereactions almost always last 3 months.
They always end up being the absolute best and absolute worst of my life.

He is right about something. By the time we figure out what we want, it's too late in life to go get it. And I'm wrong about something...it's not okay to waste my life chasing something I can never have. I lost him. I may not be happy about it, I may think it's colosally unfair that it happened. But it did.

He is not coming back, no matter how much it feels like he never left.
It's up to me to prove that happiness is with circumstance and not with people. It will never be as bright as I always thought it would be.

What ages us is accepting that we will live with misery in ways we never expected, and that the only alternative is not living at all.
My heart is kicking and screaming just like she always does, like a person being held under water, face turning blue, violence pulsating from their limbs as they struggle. I cannot imagine life without him. I don't want to have to kill a part of me to survive him.